Can anger be healthy? If so, how much anger is healthy? And what do you do with this healthy anger?
As a therapist, I’m asked this a lot. People want to find out if they’re “normal” on the anger-o-meter scale (whatever that is). Some people say “I feel angry all the time”, while others tell me, “I don’t know what to do with my anger”. In working with couples, I often hear one of the two people say, “I don’t know why I’m so angry, but I sure am pissed off at you!” Anger is a normal part of life, but what do we do with it?
When someone treats you badly, it’s natural and healthy to feel angry. Anger is a sign that you have needs that aren’t being met…but how do you express it in a way that works for you? Sure, you can yell at someone or give the finger to another driver on the freeway, but, in the long run, it’ll come back to bite you in the butt. On the other hand, always stuffing your anger doesn’t work either. All that anger has gotta go somewhere, and you’ll eventually “explode” (sound familiar?).
If you were my client, I’d help you find a middle ground between reacting and repressing your anger.
Responsibly expressing your anger is a crucial part of your mental health. If you can’t assert your needs, wants or desires, you’re going to get frustrated and pissed off. Healthy anger allows you to ask for what you want or say what you don’t want. For example, if your best friend does something you don’t like, you can repress it (and say nothing), react to it (“You idiot, what’s wrong with you?”) or assertively express healthy anger (“Remember that I told you how much that annoys me? I’m getting annoyed because you’re doing it again”).
Anger Management is a phrase people throw around a lot: it’s about finding a way to maturely and respectfully express yourself when someone or something is bothering you. When I work with clients on “anger management”, I help them figure out what to do with their anger, how to control it (not vice-versa) and where it comes from. Where does your anger come from? Anger Management asks you to think, not react. Your thoughts create your emotional reaction, not vice-versa.
However, if you’re angry almost all the time, this is different from situational anger. Chronic, ongoing anger is almost always a reaction to old stuff; it’s important to figure out where it comes from so you can take responsibility for yourself by: (1) admitting that you have valid reasons to be angry and (2) finding healthy outlets for that anger.
The worst way to channel your anger is to aim it at someone by yelling at or blaming them. Usually, our nearest and dearest get the worst of our anger. This can destroy a good relationship, so it’s crucial to find other ways to channel your anger. Here are a few ways to express Healthy Anger:
- Write about it: uncensored writing is a good release. Be as pissed off as you want – just don’t Email it.
- Talk about it with someone you trust. If the anger lasts more than a few days), find a good therapist to get to the source.
- Hit the bed, pillows or punching bag with your fists or a tennis racket; it’s a good physical release for anger.
- Scream in the car (while you’re alone, of course).
Here’s what not to do:
- Drink alcohol or take drugs: this lowers your impulse control and encourages you to “explode”.
- Get in your car and drive. Go for a walk instead, it’s a lot safer.
- Tell someone off: you’ll feel better for, oh, about 5 seconds. And then the repercussions come: you can’t undo cruel things you say or do.
- Give someone the finger in traffic: how do you know that the other driver isn’t high on crystal meth or has a gun in her/his glove compartment?
Healthy anger is a way to let other people know where you stand, e.g., “this is not okay with me”. Healthy anger clarifies what you feel, it lets you say to someone, “This is important to me.” Expressing healthy anger lets people know what your limits and boundaries are, and keeps you from impulsively saying or doing hurtful things. It’s one of the best things you can do for you…and, of course, the people around you will benefit too.
