Dear Michael:
I am a 17-year-old female who’s moving to Chicago for college, and I am scared shitless. I’ve lived in San Diego all my life. I am so nervous. I leave in a month to start summer school: I’ll be in a dorm in a city where I know no one. I felt so brave last fall, now I wish I could undo it all and just stay here and work at Sea World.
Leaving for the (really) big city
Dear Michael:
I am graduating from my Master’s program next week and I am terrified. I don’t have a job, I have big student loans and I sure don’t want to go back and live with my parents in Ohio. What do I do now? I’m gay, so how do I find a job where they’re not all homophobes?
No job, no money, no plan
Dear Gentle people:
Congratulations to you both. You are both completing chapters of your life that you can be proud of. Approaching major life changes usually brings up anxiety. Change is a two-sided coin: excitement and fear, you can’t have one without the other. Let me share some ideas on how to minimize your anxiety and maximize your enjoyment:
- Stay in touch with people who love you: phone calls, Emails, text messages…continue the relationships you have that bring you love and comfort. Eventually, you’ll have new relationships to replace them with, but for now, allow yourself “cling” a bit to the people you know.
- When you meet new people (in the dorm, at a new job) be open, friendly and – most importantly – keep your expectations low. These people may not be forever best friends, but they may be compatible enough for you to hang out with (for now).
- Surround yourself with objects that have meaning for you and bring you comfort, e.g., photos, art, knick-knacks. As much as you can, make your new dorm room/apartment/office cubicle your own.
- Talk with other people who are in the same boat: realize that it’s normal to feel this way when you’re pulling off a major life change.
- Become your own cheerleader. If you feel like you’re going to puke before going to your first class or first job interview, calm yourself with something like: “I know I’m nervous, but it’s okay.” “I’ve done new things before and always got through it.” Or “I can do this, even though I feel shaky.”
- Reward yourself for doing something difficult. It’s behavior modification and it works. You could give yourself a gelato or a nice meal somewhere that won’t bust your budget. One client of mine takes a bubble bath and has a dish of strawberries by the tub that she nibbles on as she soaks. Not very expensive, but she feels like she’s living in luxury when she rewards herself that way.
- Expect setbacks. Nobody goes into anything new without falling on their ass now and then. Treat yourself like you would a beloved child who’s learning to walk. If she/he walks a few feet and then falls down, you don’t say, “Is THAT the best you can do? That’s pitiful.” Instead, you’d praise the child for what she/he DID accomplish: “That was great, I know you can do it again.” Treating yourself kindly after a setback will get you a lot further in life than berating yourself.
A little specific advice to each of you:
Your new college undoubtedly has an orientation program for new students. Take advantage of it and connect with other people new to Chicago. You can hang together and help each through all the newness. You could even look for a club or organization that matches some of your interests: a good way to meet people outside of the classroom.
And to the person who needs a job and wonders how to find a gay-friendly place, why not consult your college job placement service, your instructors, your faculty advisor, fellow students and the campus LGBT student organization? Just because your program’s almost over doesn’t mean you have to totally disconnect from your support system at school. Your college’s Alumni Services may also offer you help getting a job with gay-friendly employers.
Congratulations to you both: may you live well and prosper!
