I am pleased to report that I have recently signed a contract to publish my new book “The Double Testosterone Marriage: Monogamy or Open Relationship?” with Rowman & Littlefield Publishers. I will turn in the manuscript in September and the book should be published early next year.
About six months’ ago, when I wrote the proposal for the book, a submissions editor at another major publisher asked me, “Why do you want to write this book?” This column is – in essence – the answer to that question.
As a psychotherapist to many LGBT couples, I have noticed that gay couples, in particular, often find themselves in a challenging situation: because of the double testosterone factor (for male-male couples), sex is often more important than it is for male-female and female-female couples. In my counseling experience, two married men often have a stronger desire for sex – wanting more of it and with a wider variety of partners – than married opposite-sex or lesbian couples. How does this work within the structure of a monogamous marriage?
Or does it?
When I was playing in a rock band in my 20’s, I thought that marriage was obsolete. In my 30’s, I found myself wanting more commitment and depth in my romantic relationships. As I approached my late 40’s, I wasn’t sure that monogamy was the best way for two men to be together.
In my 50’s, I discovered that many long-term gay couples gave lip service to monogamy – and appeared to be monogamous – but, upon closer inspection, were not.
As a psychotherapist, now in my early 60’s, I’ve discovered that many successful gay marriages are – by choice – not strictly monogamous.
Legal gay marriage is still a relatively new phenomenon. This book – that I’m in the process of writing – will offer married gay couples (and gay couples considering marriage) an easy-to-follow, practical framework that you can use to help create, adjust and structure your marriages.
Assuming that gay marriages will emulate heterosexual marriages is neither a valid nor a helpful assumption. But, as gay men, where does that leave us? There are currently no “rule books” for how a “double testosterone” marriage could or should work. While there are lots of books about how to plan your gay wedding, there are virtually none that address what to do after the honeymoon is over (literally and figuratively).
This book will fill that void.
In the book we’ll follow two married couples: Tomas and Larry, representing a harmonious open marriage, and Ethan and Jake, representing a fulfilling monogamous marriage. They’re an amalgam of dozens of real couples I’ve worked with over the past 15 years. Each couple will experience the joys and difficulties of their double testosterone marriage, giving the reader a wide range of options and possibilities for his own marriage.
This book will be frank, engaging, and filled with an abundance of practical advice for newly-married couples and single men/couples considering marriage. For example, we’ll look at how aging and illness can affect our sex lives, and what we can do about incompatible sex drives.
It is to be expected that some readers (and reviewers) may find my posing the question of “monogamy or open relationship?” – in regards to gay marriage – to be controversial. The book may even be disliked. The Double Testosterone Marriage dares to ask the question: is monogamy or an open relationship (or a combination of both) the best way to structure your marriage?
Same-sex marriage has been a long time coming – a few thousand years or so – and now that it’s finally here, many gay, bisexual and transgender men may think that it’s a bad idea to “rock the boat” by discussing some of the ideas in this book. I disagree. I believe that now is the perfect time to question what gay marriage can, should and will be, while it is still relatively new, fresh and malleable.
Please wish me luck, and let me know if you have any ideas you’d like to see included (or addressed) in the book.