The risk that any marriage will end in divorce is currently about 45 percent. According to most research, the chances fall to about 40 percent for first marriages and decline further for college-educated couples, people from intact families and couples who share the same religion.

For more of us, it’s almost impossible to have a partner/fiancé with the same balance of spender and saver as you. The mix gets even more complicated with second marriages, when couples may have children or other assets that necessitate the discussion of a prenuptial agreement.

The question isn’t “How different am I from my partner?”, but: “How are my partner and I going to manage our differences?”

Here are some ideas for your consideration:

  1. When I do premarital counseling, I encourage both people to take a good, hard look at their financial history: how did your parents deal with money? Do you still do what mommy and daddy did? How might that affect your relationship/marriage?”
  2. Talk with your partner about your family money memories – did your father hide money from your mother? Did either parent worry about money? Were they naïve and in denial of their financial obligations? How did this affect you?
  3. As you’re starting to fall in love with someone, please share your credit history with them. “Yikes!” You may be saying. But, hear me out: a credit report is a summary of past financial achievements and mistakes. Don’t see it as a source of pride or shame, instead, use it as a springboard into a discussion about what you’ve learned (or still need to learn) about handling money.
  4. As your life begins to intertwine with your beloved, start to notice: Who controls what financially in your relationship? Are you both happy with your division of labor? How did you come up with that “division”? Make no mistake friends: money is control. I once counseled a newly-married couple: the husband controlled all the money and the wife told me (in tears), “I had to beg him to buy a pair of shoes.” Uh-oh.
  5. If the two of you have been independent and handled your own money and don’t want to give that up, how will you make common purchases? Do you want to buy a house together? Raise children together? Does one (or both) of you need a new car? When you’re no longer single, your money is no longer 100% yours, it’s ours (maybe not completely, but if you’re part of a couple, don’t you want to work together towards your goals?)
  6. Find ways to regularly check-in with each other on your individual and shared finances: one couple I worked with has a Wine-Cheese-Money night once a month where they eat, drink and discuss money (the wine – just a little – and cheese helps them relax so they weren’t so tense).
  7. Unlike emotional aspects of a relationship, money is very concrete. That’s the good news: you can measure it, track it and grow it together. The not-so-good news is that money is rarely the problem: it’s the emotions that money evokes in us that are the challenge for any couple.
  8. Talking about money early in your relationship will take some of the sting out of it: don’t wait until the week before your wedding to have your first money chat. Don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself. When you’re dating someone, start to drop little “money” hints and see how the other person responds. For example:  Person One: “I am so psyched, I’m going to go to Europe for 3 weeks on a river cruise. I can’t wait. We’ll go through France and Germany. My friends did it last year and now I’m gonna do it too”. Person Two: “That sounds great, but didn’t you tell me last week that you’ve maxed out your credit cards/are late on your rent/don’t have the money to fix your car?” (you get the point).
  9. Want to have a fun money question? Try this one. Turn to your beloved, smile and gently ask: “Honey, just how rich do we want to be someday?” It’s a great opening line that can take you into much bigger, long-term questions, like: “How do you plan to get there?” “When do you think we can get there?” and “What stands in our way?”
  10. Identify the ways you can work together as well as the obstacles that can pull you apart or pit you against the other, e.g., if you’re a struggling musician and your partner is a supervisor at Google or Apple, are you okay with them working 60 – 80 hours a week? And are they okay with you making minimum wage? For how long?

I love doing premarital counseling because you get to anticipate everything that can go wrong in a relationship and address it before it happens. Of course, this is counter-intuitive, but it sure is helpful if you want to have a relationship/marriage that’s as pleasant and harmonious as possible.

Talking about money is part of any long-term relationship: start now when the stakes are low and learn about your partner, yourself and how the two of you can have a relationship that’s harmonious and prosperous…in every way!