EdmundWhiteDear Michael:

I feel like a stereotype, but it’s true: I only want men I can’t have, and then when I get them (which I usually do), I don’t want them anymore. Nice guys bore me, and I end up alone most of the time. What’s wrong with me?

Messed up in Mission Hills


Dear MU:

This kind of behavior – only wanting someone we can’t have – is usually about self-hatred. Hating ourselves. So let’s be clear about a few things:

Dangerous men are men who are likely to hang around and get to know us. This scares the shit out of some of us. Guys we call “boring” are likely to see through our crap and see who we really are. This can be terrifying if we think that we’re pretty lousy people. We sure don’t want anyone to see that, so we get rid of these “boring” guys.  Ironically, they’re the ones who could really love us…and hurt us.

The safe men are the bad boys, we know they’ll never stick around, they’re here today, gone tomorrow.   They’re no threat. They may appear exciting and dangerous, but they’re really a joke. They’ll never get to know us, so there’s no anxiety there.

It’s the boring guys who are really scary to our psychological defenses. We don’t want to let them in, so we label them “boring” and get rid of them.

Ask me how I know: I’ve been there, done that, learned from it, moved on.

I hope the same for you.