Dear Michael:

After living in San Diego for a few months’ now, I want to know where all the good top men are. As a psychiatrist, can you tell me why there are so many more bottoms than tops and why some guys become tops and so many more of us are bottoms. 

Topless in Bankers Hill

Dear Topless:

First off, I am a psychotherapist, not a psychiatrist, but I doubt that even a psychiatrist can tell you why some men prefer to top (anally penetrate) other men and some men prefer to bottom (be penetrated).

Or as Shane told Ilya in Heated Rivalry: “I’d rather be the hole than the peg.”

And what about men who enjoy both?

I haven’t seen much research in psychological journals on tops and bottoms in same-sex relationships, so I will have to go with my own observations as a San Diego psychotherapist and openly queer man. Anal intercourse – at its best – is an act of intimacy, trust and excitement for both parties. Whether it happens between long-term partners at a four-star resort or in an alley behind a bar with a hunky stranger, anal intercourse is an experience whose pleasures and parameters are defined by both participants.

It is my observation that a large percent of men enjoy both topping and bottoming: being “versatile”. If you have this ability to enjoy both roles, you probably have an open-mindedness and ability to see yourself in unique ways, in diverse roles. Such versatility may indicate an emotional security that allows you to show distinctive sides of yourself with different men in a variety of sexual situations.

I’m not saying that “versatile” men are psychologically healthier than men who are exclusively tops or bottoms, but don’t we all want to experience many ways to enjoy ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally?

What – if anything – lies behind the stereotypes of tops and bottoms? Topping may represent being active, aggressive, hyper-masculine and in-control. It could also represent a fear of being submissive and open to another man. Bottoming could be about being receptive and secure enough to allow another to enter you and “merge” with you. It could also echo of being passive and unassertive.

While there may be some truth in stereotypes, being a top or a bottom or versatile may not necessarily mean anything. Most of us know men we could consider “power bottoms” – very assertive and controlling bottoms – who often orchestrate their sexual encounters down to the last detail. We probably also know total tops who are gentle and androgynous, busting that hyper-masculine, Tom of Finland image.

In my private practice, I have noticed that many clients – particularly younger men – start out their sexual lives as exclusively tops or bottoms until they eventually find themselves in an ongoing, intimate relationship with another man where they feel comfortable enough to explore the “other side” of themselves. Top men decide to allow their lovers to penetrate them; bottom boys want to try being inside their man. This doesn’t always lead to versatility, but it allows both men to see what it’s like to play each part and see how it fits (pun intended).

To me, it isn’t important whether you’re a top or a bottom, or even a “side” (someone who’s not into anal intercourse). What matters is that you and your partner freely and safely express your sexual selves. Overemphasizing rigid stereotypes and top/bottom roles can be awfully limiting. I suggest that you start to explore your erotic life and experiment: keep pushing your own envelope.

While this reader’s questions lamented the lack of top men in his life, if you find yourself in a similar situation, it’s probably more helpful to look at the lack of sexual and emotional fulfillment in your life, rather than to expect a time-worn stereotype (like being a top or a bottom) to make you happy.