Dear Michael:
I’m embarrassed to be emailing you, but I can’t stop buying myself stuff. I’m $122,000 in debt from several years of continual shopping. How do I get out of this hole? Whenever I feel down, I go shopping. Last year, I bought a new car. The year before an expensive European river cruise. I ‘d like to stop this bad habit, but life is so hard…don’t I deserve to have nice things to comfort me when I feel bad?
In Hock up to my Ass in Rancho Santa Fe
Dear In Hock:
Thanks for having the guts to email me. I admire your honesty. So here’s mine in return: yes, you do deserve to have nice things when you feel bad, but do they need to cost $122,000? A debt that big will not bring you comfort. It’s more likely to bring you a whole lot of stress and unhappiness.
Going to Amazon when you’re unhappy is not that different from standing in front of the refrigerator, opening the door and saying, “Okay food, make me happy.” Neither food nor shopping can make us happy for long. Most new things (clothes, jewelry, haircuts, makeup, computers, electronic toys) make us happy for three days’ max. After that, it wears off and then you have a credit card bill coming and how long will it take you to pay that off? (Note: cars usually keep you happy for about three weeks and the glow from a great vacation may not even last a week once you go back to work).
As I tell my clients: it’s not what you’re buying that matters, it’s why you’re buying it.
I like nice things too, but I don’t expect them to make my loneliness or boredom go away.
In fact, I don’t expect much of them at all. I buy something because (1) I can afford it and (2) I like it. Period. If you go shopping to avoid feeling something, you’re headed for trouble. How long do you think you can avoid your troubles this way? One client of mine recently bought an $80,000 car because he was bored with his life. Another client took a $13,000 trip to Europe because she was fed up with dating women who “didn’t appreciate me.” When the newness of the car and the European trip wear off, where are these folks? Back where they started, with a big ole debt to make them feel even worse!
The retail world is happy to make money off our insecurities.
Many luxury good retailers (BMW, Chanel, Tiffany, Nordstrom) manipulate us this way: “Buy something from us and you’ll be envied and admired”. Instead of being manipulated like this, ask yourself, before you click that “BUY” button or head for the Mall: What is my motivation here?
In this media-driven society, we’re continually encouraged to indulge our narcissism and self-pity: “I deserve it.” Of course you deserve it. We alldeserve nice things…but using this logic to rack up a debt of $122,000 is bullshit rationalization.
You deserve comfort when you feel bad, but, this ain’t it. Comfort doesn’t have a hidden price tag that will come back and bite you in the ass when the credit card bills come flooding in. Comfort comes from taking a good long look at yourself and asking “Why am I so depressed/angry/lonely/sad?” Go to the root of the problem, and stop with the thousand-dollar band-aids already!
P.S. Debtor’s Anonymous groups are really helpful for some people, and credit assistance/consolidation services are available too. But first, look within, then go for (external) help and support.
