For some people, happiness is an energy, an intense vibe that says “Yes!” loud and clear. This kind of gut-level happiness isn’t universal. It’s personal. And isn’t the main purpose in life to be happy?

Even the Dalai Lama says so.

In his life and work, poet Arthur Rimbaud turned his psyche inside out, putting himself through whatever spiritual, emotional and physical tests he could come up with to find out who he really was: “The first task of any man … is to know himself completely; he seeks his soul, inspects it, tests it, learns it … He searches himself…so that only his essence remains”.

Rimbaud speaks of a “long, involved, and logical” nudging at the doors of self-perception. Trying to force ourselves to be happy usually doesn’t work. I agree with Rimbaud: let’s try a gentler approach. We can forgive ourselves when we falter and keep moving forward.

Happiness rarely comes around the first try. We do something we think might make us happy. It doesn’t.  We’ve failed. Or have we? “If at first you don’t succeed, you’re doing about average”, claims author Elmore Levinson.

When you strip away all that people have told you that you should be, who’s left?  What parts of ourselves are really “us” and what parts are what other people told us to be?

Questions to consider:

  1. Who in your life really wants you to be happy?
  2. Are they happy for you when you’re happy?
  3. Are they happy themselves?

Some of us avoid doing something that beckons us because we expect negativity. We give up what we long for and “settle” for something safe and “criticism-free”. As a result, we end up feeling half-dead. Is it really any wonder why so many of us turn to alcohol, shopping, sex or other distractions to try and feel joyful and alive?

Sentence completion:

  1. “If I didn’t care what anyone thought, I would _________________”.
  2. “If I knew no one would ever find out, I would _________________”.
  3. “If I knew I’d die tomorrow, the one thing I am proudest of doing is _____________”.

If you’re waiting to feel brave so that you can act brave, dear reader, you’re going to be waiting a long time.  This is what separates real men and women (whether they’re 20 or 80) from 50-year-olds who still act like little boys and girls…wanting some kind of “magical” mama (or daddy) who will come and make it all better before they have to do anything.

I once heard actress Salma Hayek speak of her career success in Mexico and how surprised she was to find herself feeling empty and unfulfilled. She asked herself: “This is not my dream…why am I here?  How did I get here?”

Questions to consider:

  1. What dream did you give up on long ago?
  2. If you had lived it out, what would your life be like?

If you feel like you’ve “wasted” years of your life, you’re not alone. From my observations as a psychotherapist – for almost thirty years – most people don’t feel they’ve done anything “real” or “meaningful” until their late thirties or forties. It takes a while to burn off the conditioning we sucked up as kids. I recommend that you give yourself some time…a lifetime, in fact, to get there.

Questions to consider:

  1. If I wasn’t so scared of taking a chance, I would ____________________.
  2. What stops me from changing is ______________________.
  3. If I could be sure I’d do it right, I’d _______________________.

When you do what society says will make you happy – and it doesn’t – you may think there’s something wrong with you. Instead of activating your self-doubt, why not question just what it is that other people say you “should” be doing. Maybe they’re wrong!

I like what painter Robert Henri said about happiness: “You can do anything you want to do…blunder ahead with your personal view…the real work of life is the result of a magnificent struggle”.

Final Questions to consider:

  1. On a scale of one (not very) to ten (extremely) how happy are you?
  2. What are the three happiest moments of your life so far?
  3. If you were at ten on the happiness scale, what would your life be like?

I hope you’ve enjoyed this column and found the questions useful jumping-off points to begin your own “magnificent struggle” towards happiness.