Dear Michael:

I am a 30-year-old gay man who only recently came out.  I was married – to a woman – for a few years, but that was just to shut my family up.

My problem is that my dad is a minister and I was raised in the church from childhood on. I now have a wonderful boyfriend and am discovering what real love and connection are all about, but I can’t let go of the idea that God hates me now and that I am now a disappointment to Him.

Can you help me?

A Confused child of God in San DIego

Dear Confused:

Thanks for your letter and your honesty. I appreciate your dilemma. It brings up some fundamental questions:  Does God love everyone, or is Her/His love conditional? Is it true, as the late Pastor Charles Lanier of Unity Fellowship Church said, “God has no respect of person. God is love and love is for everyone”? Or is it true that “God hates fags” as those religious extremists  point out every year at Pride?

If your childhood concept of God is a punishing one, why hold onto it?  Luckily, you don’t have to tackle this alone. Metropolitan Community Church (Clairemont), Unity Fellowship Church (North Park) and the Unitarian Universalist Church (Hillcrest) welcome LGBTQ members with open arms. You might call one of these churches and ask to have a talk with the minister/pastor. Get spiritual support from someone who knows what she/he is talking about. As you explore how to be a joyfully gay child of God, go to people who have scholarly knowledge and learn from them.

How do you keep your faith and drop the guilt? I recommend the book “Coming Out Spiritually” by Christian de la Huerta. In his book, de la Huerta explores spiritual roles/archetypes that LGBTQ people have often assumed and continue to enact today, e.g., creator of beauty, consciousness scout, mediator, shaman and healer. The book may open your eyes to the many possibilities that we as LGBTQ people have for spiritual happiness.

Consider the Gay Men’s Coming Out Group at The San Diego LGBTQ Center. You’ll likely find that you are not the only newly-out gay man to experience the guilt of a God who allegedly hates you now. Don’t do this alone: you’ve had 30 years of anti-gay conditioning, it’ll probably take you a while to “de-program” yourself of your internalized homophobia. Talk with your boyfriend and supportive friends, read up on queer spirituality, and consider connecting with a spiritual/church community whose fellowship will be a loving and nurturing one.

While I am not an overtly religious person, I am a gay man whose connection with God is important to me. My own experience is that being gay, lesbian, transgender or bisexual is a GIFT from God…a blessing, a privilege and an honor. I don’t think God gives these gifts out haphazardly. My experience is that She/He bestows these gifts on souls that are ready to take them on and use them in this lifetime. Our awareness, intelligence, sensitivity and strength are special gifts, and – like any gifts – they come with obligations and responsibilities.

You might consider brief psychotherapy to help you with the guilt you experience. Cognitive therapy could be useful in replacing your guilt-based thoughts with neutral or supportive thoughts. Guilt is an emotion caused by distorted thinking (i.e., “God must hate me because I’m having a relationship with another man.”) If you can change these thoughts to something like “God loves me and I love my boyfriend” or “Loving my man is an expression of God’s love”, your guilt is likely to dissipate.

Integrating your happy new life as a gay man with your previous religious conditioning can be an amazing adventure: you get to make it up as you go along.

Churches and organizations can be helpful, but, ultimately, it’s an individual decision how you choose to live your life.

The possibilities are infinite…may you enjoy the journey.