Dear Michael:
I was in a 10-year relationship that recently ended. I was faithful to my boyfriend and – to my knowledge – he was faithful to me.
Now that I’m single, I am meeting all these gay men in committed relationships who want to fool around with me. At first I thought it was just a fluke, but it keeps happening over and over again.
I’m not looking to rush right into another relationship, but I don’t want to be someone’s “piece on the side” either.
Why isn’t anyone faithful anymore?
Disgusted and Disillusioned
Dear D&D:
First of all, I imagine it’s pretty hard for you to end a 10-year relationship. You’ve been out of the dating/hook-up/hanging out scene for quite a while. Give yourself plenty of time to readjust. Keep your expectations reasonable and realize that it usually takes at least 6 months – often a year – after a long-term relationship for the “shock” to really wear off. The transition to being single doesn’t happen overnight: it’s a process, not an event. Getting used to being on your own is bound to be tough, whether your relationship was monogamous or not.
Let’s talk about monogamy. Just because your relationship was monogamous, doesn’t mean it’s the perfect model for everyone. If it worked for you, great. It doesn’t work for everyone. May I suggest that you take a minute and re-read your Email. It sounds like non-monogamy pushes your buttons. If I were your therapist, I’d encourage you to take responsibility for your reactions and do a little introspection to see why “open” relationships bother you so much.
So all these “married” gay guys are hitting on you. Are you doing something to attract them? Are you meeting single men too? If not, perhaps you’ve got something going on where you are attracting “unsuitable” guys (e.g., not single). Take a look at your own motivation: what is it you want right now? Do you want to have fun and date? Do you want to find someone great to settle down with? If you don’t know what you want, you may be putting out mixed signals. Again, take responsibility for your part in this.
Do you remember what flirting is? Perhaps your memory is a bit hazy. While some guys take flirting as playful fun; other guys may take flirting as a sign that you’d like to have sex with them. Could this be your situation? Maybe you think you’re just being friendly and outgoing and it’s being misinterpreted as “I’m available for sex and you look good to me”.
Many relationships are not 100% monogamous. Is this a crime? Many of my clients in long-term relationships tell me that their relationships go through cycles of being “open” and “closed”. I’ve written about the joys and perils of each. Neither is better, they’re just different. See if you can stop judging people and accept that these guys find you attractive. You simply need a gracious way of saying, “Thanks, but no thanks” to the married men who find you hot. Tell them something like: “I’m flattered, but I’m really looking for single guys”. Be firm but gracious to them and put out what it is you really want. Eventually, the married guys will leave you alone and the single guys will get the message.
