Dear Michael:
I have a wonderful girlfriend, “Olivia”. We’ve been together for about two years’ now and we’re both so happy. There’s just one problem: I am incredibly jealous and I imagine that she is unfaithful to me, will leave me, wants to sleep with other people, etc. This isn’t my first relationship fraught with jealousy – I’m 37 – and I can see that if I keep this up, I’ll push her away. How do I chill out and trust her?
Insanely jealous in San Antonio
Dear Insanely:
You are not alone. Jealousy seems to be a hot topic lately. So let’s address it:
First off, is there any basis for your jealousy? There’s a big difference between being neurotic and being naïve. If you have reason to not trust Olivia, that’s one thing. But your letter indicates that you’ve had this problem with other relationships, so it’s likely your problem, not Olivia’s.
You’re right about pushing her away: imagine what it’s like for Olivia to be continually mistrusted and questioned. It could drive anyone away, given enough time, frustration and invalidation. In fact, some people even rationalize, “Well, she thinks I’m having an affair no matter what I tell her, so why not just go and have one then.” (This happened to two clients of mine – their partners got so fed up with their intense jealousy that they went out and proved them “right”).
Why are we jealous? Some of us can’t accept a great partner because we don’t think we deserve one. Jealousy can also manifest in issues of control. What some people call “love” is actually “control”. While it’s popular to label someone you don’t like a “control queen”, the truth is that we’re all control queens. What matters is the degree to which we need to control other people. Most people need to feel in control because they’ve been in past situations where they had little or no control, so they overreact and want total control in the present.
This makes other people crazy.
People may tell you to “back off”, but it’s easy to say, not so easy to do. If you were my client, I’d help you get to the source of your controlling behavior and take a good, hard look at it. You may want to talk with a therapist about your past, if, indeed, you lived through a very out-of-control time, particularly as a child.
Another possibility is that you aren’t comfortable being alone: you absolutely have to be with someone. You can’t handle the idea that your special someone could ever leave you, so you cling on desperately and expect her to leave you.
You create the very thing you fear.
It’s your responsibility to find a way to live with yourself, regardless of what happens with Olivia or any other partner. Desperation is not a friend, it whispers neurotic thoughts in your mind and tells you to make crazy, tearful 2AM phone calls and send accusing, angry texts that you’re likely to regret tomorrow.
I’ve worked with clients (both male and female) who smothered their partners. One client wouldn’t give her partner any room to breathe, move, or have a life of her own. When her partner wanted to have dinner with a friend, my client took it personally and felt rejected. My client would imagine her partner flirting with every woman in sight, and then she’d call her partner later that night (oh, say, around midnight) and grill her like an investigator on “CSI”. Yikes! What to do? I helped her learn to control this kind of self-destructive behavior and get a grip on her paranoid/jealous feelings, and, today (cue the strings), my client and her partner are happy (yes, they’re still together). Jealousy still rears its head now and then, but now my client has a repertoire of skills to keep that nasty ole demon under control.
…and so can you dear Ms. Insanely. No one enjoys being jealous, neurotic, controlling or smothering, and it may seem like we can’t help it. But we can. Please get to the root of your jealousy: get yourself to a good psychotherapist and address the real cause of your “insanely jealous” behavior.
